One Man & His Gadgets
© John Boylen

Props: 30 remote controls (or bits of wood painted to look like them!), crisps, choccy bars, popcorn, drinks, book, tons of wrappers, various food items
Furniture: Arm-chair, table.
The Scene: One man is seated with a desk/table full of remote controls. His chair is full and surrounded by sweets, popcorn, bottles of pop, fruit, assorted empty wrappers

Man: Right, lets just see if I've got everything;

Popcorn, sweets, coke, biscuits, (as he mentions the different controllers he points/searches for each one) controller for the hi-fi, t.v, video, amplifier, satellite, c.d player, lazer disc player, news paper fetcher, news paper page turner, lights, curtains, computer, alarm system, micro-wave, kettle, service-droid, front door, back door, garage door, windows, shutters, arm chair that turns into a single bed complete with full plumbing, washing machine, sewage disposal, wheely bins, car, cat, dog, fish and...girlfriend....(thinks)..no, no, no, can't be right, (looks toward audience) don't need one of those. I've got quite a neat little set up here, if I don't mind saying so myself, everything a man could ask for and all at the push of a button. I can't think of anything else that I can possibly ever be in need of that isn't already here. You know, I think I deserve a pat on the back, (looks at audience) hang on...(pushes a button, an arm comes from the back of the chair and pats him on the back, he smiles all contentedly)...there.

Now, let's see what's on t.v, (to himself) t.v. controller, satellite controller and......amplifier controller, on, on , on, (starts flicking through all the channels) no, no, no, no, no, seen, no, hmmmm no, no, no, maybe....see if there's anything else first, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, seen, this is useless, no, no, no, seen, there's absolutely nothing on, oh well back to......it's finished, typical. (turns t.v. off) Let's try some music, er..hi-fi remote? Got it. (Turns on hi-fi, it's at a radio station, some chat show) tch, boring, (starts changing stations) no, no, too old, too weird, boring, no, not in the mood, maybe something that's in the CD player. (gets another remote, turns on CD player) no, no, no, no, no. Maybe a book, (pushes button, hand comes from behind chair holding a book, he looks at the book) nah..read it already, boring. (looks at watch) News time....let's see what's going on in the rest of the world today. Famine, disease, murder, huh! that's a repeat as well, why is it that they never do any reports of good news, surely there's some of that in the world, but no you turn on to find out what the rest of the population is doing and within minutes you're as depressed as *when you found out your mother-in-law was coming to stay for the week*. (turns t.v. off) What is a bloke supposed to do? There must be something on somewhere by now, (starts channel hopping again, after a few seconds seems to be having problems with the controller) oh, come on you stupid thing, (continues having problems) what's wrong with this flippin' thing? (studies controller, finds the battery compartment, tests battery, it's dead!) It's dead!! (he says, with some horror as if it were a close friend) How?
Why? you can't leave me now, it's not fair! (pause) What am I going to do now?