I've always been a Christian. I have never had any problem with the concept of God, his awesomeness or the fact that he made us to know him. It seemed the only logical explanation for our existence; this was supported by my experience of Him and his Spirit. So here's the problem, I have always felt that if God made us and loves us, he loves us all, irrespective of differences of subcultural tendency and style of expression. I have always felt that Society dupes us into conforming and fulfilling the expectations out upon us. I have always exercised my right to make my own decision based on my perception of right and wrong.

I rejected many things my peer group did not because the church told me to, but because something in me told me it wasn't right. Consequently, as you can suppose I didn't really tow the party line in church. Equally I never really belonged to the world, A bit of an in-betweener you might say. I have been full-on for God but always with a heart for my kind, Generation-X. I could see how the church didn't understand me and didn't have the faintest idea of how to deal with people my age with enquiring minds, curious bodies and searching hearts. Eventually I got fed-up with 'Christian culture' and thought I'd have a bit of holiday from it... this, on reflection was a bad idea.

Without the support of fellow believers I was slowly absorbed by contemporary culture. All the things I had previously chosen against became more attractive and I had trouble remembering what my objections were. So I found an all-consuming job and a girlfriend who then became a fiancée and we moved into a flat. To all intents and purposes it was a nice little life, with prospects. I was aware that I was doing the typical things for my age, but it felt like I was following a script, for me it was like selling out. At the back of my mind I knew that what I was doing was wrong but by objective world standards I had a good life.

So what happened? My girlfriend got depression, stopped loving me and left me. I am a psychologist, I know about depression, but all my understanding couldn't help her. I saw the girl I loved slowly drifting away and there was nothing I could do. I felt pretty useless. I had to give up our flat. My car got stolen then I got really bad Flu. By this point it was getting beyond a joke. In just 18 months of me choosing to live my life my way I had reduced myself to an ineffectual, self-loathing, self-doubting wreck, nominated by myself to be the person most likely to have a nervous breakdown. Because I had turned my back on God I thought I had removed his right to do anything in my life. I knew he was still there, but I was doing OK so I thought I could go it alone.

When I crashed I had two choices. One: have a nervous breakdown. Two: go back to church; say to God "I'm sorry, I messed my life up, I have trashed your gift. Can I have some help please?" I choose option two, but I was really scared about going back to church. I was expecting people to condemn me for my blasphemy and blatant immorality, but I knew I really needed God again and I was beyond caring what anyone thought. It was hard though.

What I found when I went to Church was not what I had expected. I met people who were genuinely interested in me, not my past or problems. I felt accepted. I met people who thought more of me than I thought of myself. When I told them why I was there the reply was "well you've come to the right place, get sorted out with God. It's great to have you here". God said, " it's lovely to see you again, I've been waiting. Do you remember my promises, 'cos I remember them and if you are ready I'm going to lead you on into them. OK you've wasted some time, but you're back now"

The church I joined is peopled by guys who know what it is to be a member of a fallen generation, but also what it is to be redeemed from it, not 'cos we deserve it but because God loves to save. I was accepted and given a safe, nonjudgmental environment in which to reacquaint myself with the Lord and realign my life with His. Transgression was an interesting place to visit, but I never want to be lost there again. I now know what I have been saved from. I know there are many people out there who have known God in their childhood, but have slowly surrendered to the world. They, like me, think they have blown it and that the church will condemn them for their past. My prayer is that we will be a church that welcomes and supports the broken and world-weary when they turn to God for the answer that nothing else has been able to provide.